21 Reasons to Not Read "Twilight"

Originally created for class, this list is a service to mankind. Many people wonder whether they should read Twilight (to know what everyone is talking about, if nothing else). I represent the side that says you should not waste your time, and I intend to make sure that I don’t waste your time either. That means I will present my arguments in a comprehensive list.

WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS WILL OCCUR.

1. The main character (Bella) is portrayed as perfect. She is always cooking for her dad, she has a martyr complex, and she ignores Stephanie Meyer’s own vampire rules, easily overcoming a need for human blood.

2. Bella has an unhealthy obsession. She insists on Edward’s perfection. She has no outside interests. When her love is thwarted, she engages in self-destructive activities and attempts suicide.

3. Bella encourages abuse. She says she doesn’t mind if Edward hurts her. She wants him to bite her (which will kill her).

4. Bella is a necrophiliac. (She’s in love with a dead person.)

5. Bella’s love interests are more plentiful (at least five) and thoughtful than realism dictates.

6. Edward (Bella’s vampire love interest) is a stalker. He follows her around and enjoys watching her sleep.

7. Edward is unreliable. The entire storyline revolves around his massive mood swings.

8. Edward attempts suicide.

9. Twilight vampires are beautiful, intelligent, athletic, fairly invincible, usually rich, and often have supernatural abilities.

10. Jacob (Bella’s shapeshifting love interest) is a pedophile. Failing with Bella, he hits on her daughter.

11. Jacob is homicidal. All throughout the books, he really wants to kill those pesky vampires.

12. Jacob forces a kiss on Bella. And her father approves.

13. These character foibles lead to more angst than plot, especially in New Moon.

14. The books are way too long for so little action.

15. Purple prose dominates. I would quote, but I’m not certain of the legality. I will, however, mention that the worst descriptions relate to Edward’s appearance, especially his eyes.

16. Closely related to the purple prose are the unfortunate names. Try saying “Renesme Carlie Cullen” with a straight face.

17. The science is very unscientific. Can someone please explain to me how dead people can have babies? Or how humans magically get an extra chromosome upon becoming a shapeshifter or an extra two if transformed into a vampire? I suppose their fans are too young to care.

18. Their fans are definitely too young for the Twilight car commercials airing on television.

19. They are also too young for all the honeymoon/pregnancy portions of Breaking Dawn, not to mention all the fanservice in the movies.

20. Twilight fans are very frightening, especially when it comes to those shirtless scenes. They often completely define themselves by their status as part of Team Edward or Team Jacob. (Sorry, Team Jacob. Thanks for playing.)

 21. These super-humans, together with their shapeshifting allies, gather to fight the villains. They all decide not to fight, leading to a great anti-climax.

Children

·         Chronicles of Narnia series – C.S. Lewis

·         Harry Potter series – J.K. Rowling

·         The Hobbit – J.R.R. Tolkien

Young Adults

·         Artemis Fowl – Eoin Colfer

·         Inkheart – Cornelia Funke

·         Redwall – Brian Jacques

·         Dragonsong – Anne McCaffrey

·         Icewind Dale trilogy – R.A. Salvatore

Adults

·         Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell – Susanna Clarke

·         Dracula – Bram Stoker